


Twelve Step Program To A Non-Comatose Boyfriend/Rebuilding Your Life/ Escaping A Coma (Delete As Appropriate)

by Pizzama8



Series: Recovery [7]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Coma, F/F, F/M, Gen, Karkats still in the coma, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-23
Updated: 2015-03-26
Packaged: 2018-02-05 21:13:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1832485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pizzama8/pseuds/Pizzama8
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Feferi ruminates or Karkat's condition, Karkat realises his condition and Nepeta learns to cope with the fact that Karkat might not ever wake up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Three weeks

Feferi stared glumly down at Karkats comatose form, examining her chart again before sighing and pressing the palm of her hand against her forehead to try and rub away the growing headache. She hadn’t been sleeping well the last three weeks and she chastised herself for not taking proper care of her own body. 

She had two friends in her hospital; one that was going to need months of professional psychological help to recover from her terrible ordeal and another who was slowly slipping further and further away from her. She’d tried everything to wake him up, everything and all she’d achieved was making him stable.

He wasn’t going to die in the next few days at least, or weeks or even months she made sure of that. She also made sure that his continued medical treatment was paid for, the Peixies family was after all both influential and extremely wealthy in this new iteration of Alternia, or Earth depending on your point of view. They weren’t about to pull the plug on him yet but there was only so long she could convince the board of directors to keep him here; money was well and good but when other patients, patients who have a higher chance of recovery and who need the bed more than he did came along she’d be hard pressed to find a practical reason for keeping him as they were. It just wasn’t beneficial for enough people.

She knew she would have to be the one to explain to Nepeta, to Kanaya and Aradia, to everyone why it was that she had no choice but to just let Karkat die. There were other options of course but in her professional opinion they would simply be staving off the inevitable. The only hope they had were the occasional spikes in brain activity that they picked up. Whether this meant Karkat was dreaming or if he was actually conscious was yet to be determined and they had no way of solving that particular puzzle.

She sighed and resolved to sort out her sleep cycle; this wasn’t good for her and she couldn’t keep it up. Eridan’s advances weren’t helping either; why couldn’t that boy just take a hint? She hadn’t been interested in any of his quadrants since they were thirteen. He was too much for her and someone else could deal with his bullshit.

She put the chart back at the end of his bed and stepped out into the hallway. The Royal Fuchsia hospital had been built and paid for by a co-operation between Crocker Corp and Peixies Enterprises. As such her and Jane both acted as majority shareholders of the hospital as well as worked as prominent doctors within the establishment. Their life powers had given them a talent for medicine and healing and they’d both agreed to use this to the betterment of as many people as possible. Meenah unfortunately was not interested in anything but making as much money as she feasibly could; not for any real reason just because she liked money.

However considering that Peixies enterprises was run by Meenah and provided an awful lot of funding for the hospital she wasn’t about to start complaining; her dan- her older sisters money making motivations had by and large provided for pretty much everything within the hospital. Including the homeless ward where the destitute and impoverished of the city could go to receive free healthcare and a free meal. Meenah had built up quite the reputation for herself much to Feferi’s chagrin who knew half of what Meenah did was to keep people buying her products. It wasn’t like their “mother” for want of a better word who still insisted people called her “Her Imperious Condescension” even though the title was both redundant and meaningless now that they had a democracy was any better. She ruled over Crocker Corp alongside Jane’s father who was probably more important to their mother than she would ever admit.

“Hey Feferi.”

Nepeta’s quiet voice was enough to pull her out of her thoughts. She smiled at Nepeta as reassuringly as she could. If Feferi was losing sleep than Nepeta was losing everything; the girl was deathly pale with huge bags under her eyes, her small frame which had been skinny before was now bordering on skeletal. Her body clung to its skeleton unnaturally and left the overall impression that Nepeta was a corpse that hadn’t realised it was dead yet. She’d lost all her cheer over the last three weeks, no more smiles, no more cat puns just quiet sentences spoken with a tinge of desperation.

Feferi gave Nepeta a sympathetic look. “I’m sorry Nepeta he still hasn’t woken up. You know I will call you as soon as he does okay?” She walked over to her and hugged her gently. “So you don’t need to come in every day; go home, have something to eat, have a nap. I’m a doctor so trust me when I say you look unhealthy.”

Her arms looped frighteningly easily around Nepeta; it was like hugging nothing, she was so small and fragile now. Nepeta pulled away from Feferi, not looking at her. She made a move to speak but then just brushed past the royal blood muttering a “sorry” as she did so. Feferi’s fins flared a little in agitation but she simply shook her head and moved on to her next stop.

Terezi was sat in her bed eating the awful hospital food that had nothing red in it whatsoever. Her head shot up when she heard Feferi enter the room, her entire body tensing as she did so but relaxing noticeably when she saw it was Feferi. She’d been kept in the hospital for three weeks at the behest of Feferi who had run check-up after check-up again and again to make sure her friend was all right. Besides a few scars; the most prominent of which went from her right ear to the corner of her right eye. It was a miracle because an inch closer and she would have almost definitely have lost it.

“Hello Doctor have you come to collect me for more tests?”

“Nope, I’ve come to tell you you’re free to go.” Said Feferi cheerfully, happy to be giving some good news for once.

“Oh.”

“Oh? You have your life back and all you’re going to say is oh?” Feferi replied teasingly although she was a little concerned about the scared look on Terezi’s face.

“You do have a life you can go back to right? I mean a job? A house?”

“Well h-he… uhm… he didn’t let me… have anything. The apartment was in his name, I wasn’t allowed to go outside I had nothing, have nothing.”

There was a bitterness in her voice that made Feferi want to rush over and hug her. She didn’t because so far the only person she’d allowed to touch her was Vriska, anyone else who got even close made her incredibly anxious. 

“Then stay with me.”

Feferi said without hesitation; it was a knee jerk response but even after thinking on it she knew it was the right thing to do. She lived alone in a spacious apartment with nothing but her goldfish and obnoxious neighbours for company. She had plenty of room and frankly she missed talking to people other than Jane and Eridan; Jane was nice enough but honestly their interests didn’t coincide too much and Eridan was… Eridan. 

“What? I.. no I can’t intrude on you like that. I’ll find somewhere to stay I should have some money left over from before everything… I hope I do. For all I know that bastard took all of my savings as well.”

“Terezi I insist. I know you don’t want to hear it but right now you’re in no position to be on your own.”

“I can look after myself just fine Feferi.”

Her tone was cold, hostile and impatient. She could look after herself right? Yeah she began to panic whenever there was more than one person in a room with her, or when anyone who wasn’t Vriska touched her, or whenever Gamzee’s god forsaken older brother was within eyesight. Okay so maybe she needed a lot of help but she didn’t want to admit that; admitting it somehow felt like he’d won and she was determined to not let that happen.

“No you can’t. I’m a doctor not a psychologist but I can still see you struggling, you think I haven’t noticed how you only ever let one person in the room at any given time? How you can’t stand any physical contact that isn’t from Vriska? Terezi you nearly had a panic attack when I was checking your heart with my stethoscope. If you try and hide from this, from everyone who wants to help you, you’re only going to make things worse! Let me help you, come stay with me.”

She didn’t know why it was so important that Terezi not be on her own all she knew was that she wanted her friend around someone who could take care of her. Aradia, Kanaya and Nepeta were in no condition to take care of anyone but themselves and even then she was constantly keeping an eye on them. Vriska and John didn’t have the room or the money to take care of Terezi, the same went for Dave and Jade and pretty much everyone who was in a relationship. In fact she knew many of their friends blamed Terezi for what happened to Karkat; she doubted they would want to help her.

She had a sudden flash of Karkat being pulled into the intensive care unit with blood dripping from his wrists and she now knew exactly why it was important for Terezi to stay with her. She didn’t want to have to deal with that again, she didn’t want any of her friends to ever go through that again.

Terezi frowned and looked away, biting her lower lip whilst she thought but finally she sighed and relented. 

“Fine I’ll stay with you. I don’t actually have any clothes besides the ones I was brought in with; I don’t suppose you know what happened to them?”

“Uhm… they were incinerated.”

“What? Why!?”  
“They were covered in filth and… other things, they were a health hazard and we couldn’t clean them enough to justify giving them back to you. Sorry I-“

She groaned but raised a hand to stop her. “It’s fine, don’t apologise. No money, no clothes, no home. I’m feeling pretty pathetic right now.”

“At least you have your health!” Feferi said trying to sound a bit more optimistic. 

“Right. My health.” She sounded bitter again and Feferi felt a little guilty about burning her clothes.

“I’ll lend you everything you need; it’s not like I’m poor. I mean my “mother” owns Crocker Corp and Meenah owns Peixies Enterprises. Both of which I also have personal stakes in. You just need to take as long as you need to get better and back on your feet.”

Terezi sighed and pushed the table away from her, suddenly not hungry anymore. Her stomach felt queasy like someone was kicking a ball about in it and she felt that familiar panic begin to grip her; the thought of being stuck in another apartment, of being entirely dependant on another troll to take care of her. She wanted to puke.

“Terezi?”

She rubbed her eyes with the palms of her hands and took several deep breaths; gradually she calmed down and the panic subsided. Feferi had thankfully kept her distance and not rushed to help her, if she had she probably wouldn’t have been able to calm down at all.

“Fine just… I don’t want to be so dependant on you okay? When I was caged, like an animal. I was completely reliant on him to bring me food, water, to clean me. I just don’t want to ever be that fucking dependant on someone again, it was humiliating! Great now I’m crying.” 

She scowled despite the tears rolling down her cheeks and tried to wipe them with her hands, sobbing bitterly. Again Feferi kept her distance and again Terezi was grateful for that, once she’d stopped crying and managed to patch together whatever dignity she could muster she simply smiled weakly at Feferi. 

“Fine but I hope you don’t regret this I mean Karkat could barely stand living with me.”

“Yeah because Karkat has the patience of a saint right?”

They both laughed at this for a moment before Terezi opened her mouth to ask a question she didn’t want the answer to.

“Is h-“

“He’s stable.”

“Oh.”

“Listen I’ve got other patients I need to see but I’ll be back at the end of the day with some clothes for you to change into okay?”

She nodded and was alone with her thoughts for the rest of the day.


	2. The first step

They left late in the evening with Feferi having to lend Terezi a set of clothes just so she would have something to wear. She’d made a mental note to take Terezi clothes shopping sometime soon, adding it to her ever growing list of things to do.

It wasn’t that Feferi’s style of clothing didn’t suit Terezi it was that Terezi didn’t suit her style of clothing. There was a mismatch between the bright colourful and slightly revealing clothing that Feferi usually wore and Terezi’s sarcastic, blunt and occasionally rude personality.

The car ride had been awful with Terezi doing everything within her subconscious power to put as much distance between her and Feferi as she could. Thankfully they hadn’t taken public transport; that would have killed her.

Feferi’s place was nice provided your definition of nice was “impressively extravagant with a view of the coast, enough space to raise a dinosaur and sparkling clean.” In fact the only spot of dirt in the entire place was in the fish tank and the moment Feferi saw it she’d walked over and cleaned it. Terezi couldn’t help but stare; this place was completely beyond anything she’d imagined. This was a completely different world from the crappy downtrodden apartment she’d shared with _him_.

It was with a relieved smile that Terezi took in all the empty space available in the apartment and then with a frown. The apartment wasn’t just clean it was bare, there was a T.V. and a sofa and the fish tank and in the kitchen there was everything you would need in a kitchen but there was almost nothing else. The living room only had the T.V. and the sofa, there was no ornaments or other chairs or well anything that would indicate that anyone actually lived in the same home as the living room.

The kitchen was the same; everything was clean and bland and she was sure that the cupboards and fridge would be stuffed full of nutritious and healthy food. Despite its cleanliness it was a rather sad thing to look at; it was as if the owner of the apartment didn’t have a social life at all. Terezi stood awkwardly in the doorway; her only possessions being the contents of the purse.

“Feferi?”

“Yeah?”

“How long have you owned this place?”

Feferi frowned as she opened a tub of fish food and emptied some of its contents into the fish tank.

“A few years; why do you ask?”

“No reason.”

She wanted to ask how long she had _lived_ in the building but decided against it; it would probably just cause arguments and she didn’t want to get in trou- she had to pause when she caught herself thinking like that. Why was she scared about Feferi being angry at her? It wasn’t like Feferi was going to start hitting her, or take away her food, or do anything other than just be equally rude back to her.

“What’s wrong?”

Terezi’s head snapped up at the question and blinked in confusion.

“N-nothings wrong.”

“Are you sure? You zoned out a little there.”

“I’m fine, I was just thinking about things.”

Feferi resisted the urge to pry further but rather indicated for Terezi to follow her into a guest room.

“You’ll be staying here, I bumped into Dave on my way to you and he’ll be around tomorrow morning to give you whatever he can convince the police and legislacerators to release from your place. However I think it’s safe to say you need some new clothes.”

“I’m sure I’ll be fine with whatever Dave can salvage, if I need anything I’ll get it myself.”

“Are you sure you’re ready to be in a place with lots of people again? By yourself? “

She looked down, still standing in the doorway of the apartment, and played with the cuffs of her sleeve anxiously as the thought of having to be that close to that many people began to overwhelm her.

“Terezi?”

Despite her best efforts she couldn’t fight back the rising panic; she gripped the doorway to try and hold herself up but failed miserably, instead falling weakly to the floor as air became increasingly harder to breath. Feferi rushed over to her and clutching her hand whilst trying to calm her down and reassure her that everything was fine. Terezi however was lost in a world of her own, a living night terror, she could see him in front of her again with his juggling clubs. She began to shake violently and grabbed hold of Feferi, holding her close and hugging her tightly.

Feferi felt hopeless, her hands hovering awkwardly between wanting to hug the poor troll but not wanting to make the situation worse. Finally she decided to take the risk and hugged her back.

“Shh it’s okay, he can’t get you here. He can’t get you anywhere.”

Terezi flinched at first but slowly returned the hug, sobbing weakly into her shoulder. They remained like that for a while, not that Feferi minded. Terezi fit so well into her arms and her friend needed someone that she could rely on for once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise deeply for the lack of anything being uploaded for several months. I am working on my works but my real life, as expected, is getting in the way. Rest assured productivity is at it's highe- who am I kidding finding time or enthusiasm to write is becoming harder and harder lately. Anyway here yah go! Three chapters for those who care.


	3. Cats cradle

You can tell a lot about a person by the contents of their apartment; more specifically where they sleep and the living room. A month ago a trained professional would have taken a look at Nepeta's bedroom and living room and come to the swift conclusion that the person was whimsical by nature but took their responsibilities seriously, that they were a person who respected tidiness but didn't let it get in the way of their creative endeavours.

A month ago her living room would have been filled with canvases and portraits of cats, flowers, her friends and their partners. A month ago she would have been in a happy committed relationship with her long time crush, a month ago a painting of said crush would be found hidden away under her bed and would almost definitely be considered her best work.  A month ago her living room would have been neatly organised to accommodate all of her paintings and works, with plenty of space for adding more creations.

Now her living room was empty; her canvases discarded and thrown out or otherwise ruined. She hadn't painted in two weeks and had no desire to paint ever again; her greatest work, an immaculate picture of Karkat with every detail correct down to the bags under his eyes looked like a crude effigy to the not yet a corpse that was her matesprit in the hospital. The cans of paint and paintbrushes were either thrown or hidden away in an unused wardrobe in her guest room; she never had guests around any more.

Her days had slowly drifted into a slow unwanted loop of survival; she woke up, she got dressed, she went to work, she came home, she ate, she went to sleep. Rinse and repeat until the cloth is so used it can’t be rinsed again.

Her hair was unruly and a mess that she rarely bothered to clean, piles of unclean dishes and clothes filled the kitchen and berated her eyes with chores she didn't have the will to finish. Her manager and co-workers had expressed concern at her worsening condition but she brushed them off; she was fine! She was handling the situation; yeah her matesprit was in a coma but he was going to come back, he was definitely going to get better.

Only he hadn't and as the days dragged by they tugged at her heart like weights attached to an unwanted bodies feet. She felt like she was drowning, she hadn't spoken to anyone but Feferi in nearly a week. She couldn't even bring herself to face Terezi; terrified that her friend would reject her for not coming to her rescue earlier or for putting their mutual love interest in a coma. If only she hadn't brought Karkat along.

It was a Wednesday; the rain outside was torrential and she as she moved through her house like a ghost she became slowly aware of her phone ringing. She glided over to it and hesitated before answering it; Kanayas voice answered but it was quiet and very far away, the words almost inaudible to her ears. Her responses were equally as quite, a chorus of yes’s and no’s before simply hanging up mid-sentence. She wondered why Kanaya persisted in trying to reach out to her? She’d put her moirail in the hospital after all, what reason could Kanaya have for wanting to talk to her? She probably wanted to berate her in person, so that she was on hand to slap or hit.

Work was droll and she found herself forcing smiles to the customers; something she’d not had to do since she started. After slapping a customer who thought it’d be a smart idea to get friendlier than was professional with his hands she’d been sent home early and told not to come back until her mood had improved. Her life was getting worse and worse and she had no idea how to stop it; it was at this point that she’d regretted blocking Equius on pretty much everything after he’d failed to tell her about Karkats condition. She didn't have the energy to unblock him though and if he wanted to talk he knew where she lived.

She sat in her now depressingly empty living room, drained of all life and at a loss as to what to do next. Her mind was running at a hundred miles an hour but none of the thoughts were polite enough to stand still and be coherent. Maybe she should go visit Karkat a little early? It couldn't hurt and it’s not like she had anything to do with her day. She stood up and changed into a green shirt and black jeans, the only clean clothes she had left, and made her way to the hospital.

The receptionist waved her through, she’d become a regular face in the hospital and the majority of the staff could now recognise her on sight. She wasn't sure what that said about her and if she was being honest coming here was about more than just seeing Karkat now. She felt lost, strangled by her own guilt and drowning in the blame that no one gave her. Being next to Karkat helped to quiet all those thoughts at least for a few moments and whilst she was there she felt more at home than anywhere else.

She sat down in the seat next to him and looked at him, just looked, she couldn't even bring herself to hold his hand any more. From behind her came a polite cough that didn't quite register so she ignored it, another cough but still she remained unmoved, finally whoever was waiting behind her walked over and put a well-manicured hand on her shoulder. She turned around to see Roxy’s concerned expression.

“Nepeta we need to talk.”


	4. The clothes that suit her.

“I don’t want to see a support group.”

“I understand but Terezi it might seriously help you! To talk to people who have been through the same things as you’ve been thr-“

“No one has been through what I’ve been through. No one. They wouldn’t be able to help me, they wouldn’t understand.”

“At least try! How about this one?”

“I do not have the cleavage to pull that off Feferi and you know it.”

“I’m sure they do it in smaller sizes!”

“That’s not the point; I’m not wearing it.”

Feferi pouted and put the rather revealing top back on its rack before continuing her search through the sea of clothes for something that would fit Terezi and that she’d agree to wear. They’d been shopping for nearly an hour now and every single shirt or skirt or pair of jeans or dress that she’d suggested had been gunned down on account of being too revealing, too figure hugging, too dependent on having any sort of curves.

She was beginning to think that the problem wasn’t the clothes; everything she’d picked out was perfectly suitable and Terezi wasn’t half as flat as she seemed to think she was.  She had her suspicions when Terezi turned down a modest top that fit her perfectly because it was still too revealing. Finally she let out an exasperated sigh, deciding it was time to get some lunch.

“Lets go eat!”

“Sure, I'm sick of this place anyway. None of these clothes suit me.”

Feferi shrugged and then linked her arm in Terezi's and lead the way over to the food courts. She walked up to the cashier and began to browse the menu quickly.

“I’ll have a seafood salad and she’ll have a?”

“A strawberry jam sandwich.”

“A strawberry jam sandwich!”

The cashier gave them a curious look but took their money anyway and began preparing their food; telling them to take a seat and they’d be called when the food was ready. They walked over to a table that was pretty close to the food display cases and Feferi placed her purse on the table.

“Okay so we need a game plan. Evidently roaming from shop to shop isn’t helping or being helpful.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t apologise! It’s fine honestly I haven’t had a day off in ages.”

Terezi shifted uncomfortably in her seat, not really sure what to say. She was currently wearing one of Feferi’s more floral dresses and she just felt odd. It’s not that the clothes were too tight, or too revealing, they just didn’t feel right. Gamzee had never allowed her to have anything other than what he gave her and he never got her new clothes.

“Terezi please stop feeling so anxious okay? I’m not angry and I’m not going to hurt you and if I did I’d want you to hurt me right back. “

“It’s not that simple, you don’t understand.”

“Then go to talk to a group of people who do understand; they’ll help you get through this.”

“No.”

Feferi was about to retort but a combination of Terezi trying to collapse in on herself and the fact that their food was done stopped her from saying anything further. She got up and brought both their plates over along with a fork for her seafood salad and set them down. Terezi picked apart her sandwiches bit by bit with her hand and ate them in small mouthfuls. Feferi watched her with a worried expression as she slowly at her own food; the emotional and psychological scars left by Gamzee seemed to run deeper than she’d anticipated. They were making progress; Terezi now felt comfortable enough to step outside of the apartment as long as Feferi was with her, she no longer flinched when she was hugged by people she knew and she’d already applied for several jobs but still Feferi doubted she’d be able to ever be fully independent again.

A part of her wished Gamzee was still alive so she could kill the clown herself.

Once they were done and Terezi had finished tearing apart and eating her sandwich piece by piece they stood up and left with Feferi leading the way.

“Close your eyes.”

“What why?”

“Just do it.”

Terezi huffed but shut her eyes, allowing Feferi to lead her into a men’s clothing section. She grabbed a few shirts of varying colours and styles and then shoved her into a changing room with said clothes. After a few moments of silence she spotted some suits, grabbed one and then shoved it into the changing room without warning.

“Put those on.”

There was a long silence and Feferi was afraid that she’d completely misread her. All the previous clothes Terezi had tried had been, well, feminine in one way or another. She stood outside twiddling her thumbs awkwardly when Terezi finally stepped out of the changing room in a black and teal suit. She tugged gingerly at the cuffs of the suit but otherwise seemed considerably more comfortable wearing that than anything Feferi had given her.

“Are they what you wanted?”

Terezi nodded, blushing faintly as she looked away from Feferi.

“How do I look?”

“Incredible, what did you think of the others?”

“T-they’re fine but I just really wanted to try this on.”

Feferi nodded again and then walked over to her and hugged her tightly.

“Sorry about all the fuss Feferi, it’s just that he used to make me wear dresses all the time.”

“It’s fine, next time just say something okay? We’re trolls, we don’t have all the silly stigma that humans have for wearing clothes for different genders.”

Terezi nodded and then went back into the changing room, returning with armfuls of clothes. The rest of the day passed like that and with each item of clothing Feferi bought Terezi vowed to repay her at some point. She didn't really care about the money; it was nice to see her friend happy for once.


	5. Step Five

Terezi stared blankly at the group in front of her; trolls and humans alike recounting their stories of abuse and betrayal. It had been four weeks since she’d left the hospital and she was definitely getting better despite finding it difficult to go anywhere in public by herself. However as much as she wanted to get better, as much as she wanted to stop being dependant on Feferi for everything, the only thing group therapy did was make her feel depressed. She wanted nothing more than to get away from these people and their problems because all they ever did was make her remember everything that Gamzee did to her; not as vividly as a flashback but enough to make her feel nauseous. 

Finally the session ended without her making a single contribution. It wasn't that she didn't like any of her fellow group members, or that they would judge her, but a part of her knew that none of them would be able to sympathise with her position. She’d heard all their stories and none could compare to what she’d been through; telling them about her life was a waste of everyone’s time.

She stood up and pulled her coat on, made her excuses to avoid talking to the others and left. It was raining outside and the light patter of water droplets on her head were a welcome sensation, as the rain slowly coated her all the bad feelings that group therapy had brought up inside her began to wash away and all that was left was a clean slate. She breathed deeply, inhaling the wet air and embracing the chill that permeated it.

She looked around and sure enough spotted Feferi pulling up, still wearing her doctor’s uniform. She climbed into the car and smiled at her friend as she pulled the door shut. 

“How was it?”

Feferi questioned as she pulled away from the center.

“It was okay.”

Feferi threw her a concerned glance before returning to focusing on the road.

“Just okay?”

“Just okay.”  
Feferi sighed a little but then shrugged.

“Do you think it’s worth your time to keep going?”

“You’re the doctor.”

Feferi scowled then before turning to Terezi with a worried look.

“I'm being serious, if they’re not helping then what’s the point?”

“Well I told you I was doing fine on my own and I was but these groups… do you really think there’s anyone there that has been through what I've been through? I don’t want their sympathy or their pity, I can handle myself just fine.”

“Except you only ever leave the apartment when someone goes with you.”

“I just don’t see a point in leaving by myself.”

“What if I go away for a week to a conference? Or longer?”

Feferi snapped, slamming on her break to avoid hitting a car that had pulled out in front of them.

“I’ll order food in.”

“It’s no way to live Terezi, what about when you get a job?”

“I’ll deal with it.”

She snorted at that and Terezi felt a wave of defeat overcome her. She knew this was going to happen eventually, she’d been mooching off her friend for too long now of course she wanted her out.

“I just want you to get better.”

Feferi muttered under her breath, she hoped Terezi could get better. But some scars run deep and permanent and she had a feeling that it was going to be impossible for Terezi to be a fully functional person again. She still shook, she still had flashback, she still needed almost constant attention. Maybe she was expecting progress too quickly and besides it was handy to have her around the house; the evenings felt less lonely and the mornings less empty. 

“Well what do you want from me Feferi? I tried the group therapy, I tried talking to Rose, I'm trying to get better.”

Terezi growled back and Feferi sighed. What exactly did she expect from her friend, she wanted her to be happy more than anything but she also wanted her to get better. She sighed and there was an awkward silence in the car as they pulled up to the hospital.

“I need to check on a few more patients and brief my interns again, it shouldn't take too long.”

Terezi nodded and hesitated before speaking up.

“Is it okay if I come with you? To see Karkat?”

Feferi paused before opening her door but then nodded. If Terezi felt she was ready she had to trust her friends judgement, regardless of the bad feeling kicking up a storm in her stomach.

“Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me, you’ll regret it.”

Feferi dead panned as Terezi got out of the car. She turned the key, locked the vehicle and headed towards the hospital with her friend in tow. It was still raining and she grimaced and moved quickly to the hospital and then to Karkat’s room, turning and hugging Terezi quickly before moving on. There wasn't anything she could say to her friend that would make her feel better.

Terezi spent the better part of two minutes standing in front of the door before entering. Her heart froze in her chest as she saw her friend laying there, she walked over and gently sat down next to him chewing her lower lip. Finally she reached out slowly and closed her eyes, placing her hands first on his face, then down his neck, his shoulders then his right arm and down towards his hand. Her fingers froze on his wrist and she slowly opened her eyes to look at the scars that adorned his wrist, her thumb gliding gently over them before her hand settled in his and gave it a gentle squeeze.

Then his hand squeezed back.

Feferi took a deep breath and a few moments to calm herself after yelling at an intern for three minutes straight. She liked to think she was a patient person but when they screwed up people died and she was responsible and that was something she couldn't live with. She grabbed a few things from her locker and headed back towards Karkat’s room. She’d decided that tonight they were going to have Chinese, it was her turn to pick the take-out and today had been stressful. An intern had given penicillin to a patient who were allergic to the drug, a surgical intern had misplaced their gloves inside a patient which had caused a whole bunch of other health issues and several headaches as well as a hundred other minor screw ups all over the hospital.

She stopped outside Karkat's room and knocked on the door quietly before slowly opening the door; sitting up in his bed, lips firmly locked with Terezi’s, was her coma patient. She didn't know how she’d feel when he woke up but she’d expected it to be something positive, relief, happiness, joy, accomplishment. The last thing she’d expected to feel was pain, she saw Karkat and Terezi kissing and it hurt.

“Oh.”

Feferi turned suddenly and behind her with Roxy tactically placing her hand on her shoulders was Nepeta. The “oh” hit the silence that had fallen over them like a hammer and both Feferi and Roxy moved to stop Nepeta from doing anything rash. They would have preferred that though because all she did was turn and walk away.

In the room Karkat slowly pulled away and opened his eyes, when he spoke there was a questioning exhausted tone to his voice.

“Nepeta?”

“Oh.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Criticism welcome.


	6. Chapter six

“Neppy are you okay?”

Nepeta was not okay, she was very not okay. In fact right now she would have preferred if Karkat had remained in a coma long enough for her to be the first person he saw when he woke up and definitely not Terezi; the ex whose shoes she’s been trying to fill ever since their relationship started. She needed to get away from this place, she needed a moirail, she needed a drink. Something strong enough to put her on her back.

“Nep where are you going?”

“Somewhere Roxy; you should go back to the hospital. Spread the word that Vantas is back.”

Roxy sighed; that was not a good sign at all. Nepeta’s voice was bitter and defeated; she looked like someone had kicked the air out of her and understandably so.

“Before we start jumpin’ to conclusions how about we go back and hear what Karkat has to say hmm? You remember Karkat right? Your boyfriend, been in a coma for near enough two months now, teenage dream boy Karkat?”

“Roxy I appreciate what you’re trying to do but he made his choice and I’m not going to compete with her again, he’s just not worth it. Even when she was gone I was still just a stand in for her; he never saw me, he saw Terezi who I sort of resembled and that was good enough for him. Now he has her again, he can keep her.”

Roxy fell silent after that; choosing not to respond but to simply follow her friend to make sure she was safe. She knew how that felt; wanting someone who wanted someone else and knowing in your heart that they were only with you because they felt obligated to be with you.

“Not a bar.”

“What?”

“Anywhere but a bar or club, I’ve been sober for four years Nep and I’m not about to ditch you.”

“Fine.”

She muttered something to herself and her tone of voice suggested it wasn’t particularly nice.

“Roxy?”

“Yeah Nep?”

“I’m not going to cry over him.”

“…”

She brought Nepeta into a close hug as they left the hospital and stepped out onto the street. The air was crisp and cold and Roxy pulled Nepeta closer to her; despite the cold air however the sun high in the sky promised that the day would warm and lighten.

She guided her friend over to her car, setting her into the passenger seat and driving to her home. This sort of heartbreak needed chocolate, movies, tea and non-alcoholic wine. As she pulled up to her house she touched the four year sober token that hung on a necklace around her neck; every time she got a new token Dirk would take it and turn it into a necklace for her to wear. It had become a habit of hers to play with it when she was worried.

“Nep?”

“What Roxy?”

“I love you, I just want you to remember that. All this stuff that’s happened; everything with Terezi and Karkat and you not talking to Equius because of some of it. I just thought you should know that I love you.  I’m always here for you Nep, for whatever you need.”

Nepeta shifted in her seat but then leant over and hugged Roxy tightly and buried her head into her friends shoulder. She didn’t even have it in her to mumble something back; no “thank you” or “I love you too” she was silent for a moment but then began to sob. Roxy wrapped both her arms around Nepeta, stroking her hair gently as the small troll shook gently in her embrace.

Feferi sat in her apartment; alone save for her pet fish and a glass of red wine. She sipped it idly; the bitter taste matched the feeling in her heart, in all the time since she’d taken Terezi in she hadn’t counted on developing feelings for her friend. She didn’t want this; she’d been perfectly happy surviving, she had no desire to live. There was a reason why she’d tried so hard to alienate and isolate herself from the rest of her friends. They were all going to die before her, long before her, the curse of borderline immortality was one she was going to carry alone. Even Meenah would die before her; being the older of the two royal bloods.

There was no room for a romantic relationship in an existence like hers and what she was feeling right now was a reflection of how she would feel eventually when all her friends lay buried beneath the ground. She took another sip and the wine was gone; she poured herself another glass. The door of the apartment creaked open and Terezi walked in.

“Hey, I sea you finally managed to pull yourshell away from Karkat.”

“Well visiting hours were done and I’m not a relative so…”

“Congratulations by the way.”

“Huh?”

“This is the first time you walked home by yourshell without me coming to get you.”

“Oh… I guess you’re right.”

She chuckled a little nervously and went to sit down opposite Feferi who seemed to be examining her glass rather closely.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes why wouldn’t I be?”

“Well for one you don’t usually use your sea puns unless you’re drunk or flirting.”

“Maybe I’m flirting with you?”

“How much have you had to drink?”

“Not enough if I’m letting you lecture me.”

Terezi flinched at that but Feferi didn’t notice and continued to drink. Terezi reached for the glass, trying to ease the glass out of her friend’s hands whilst grabbing the bottle of wine from the table. Suddenly Feferi lashed out, swinging her hand away from Terezi’s so forcefully that the glass flung from her hand and smashed against the kitchen wall whilst simultaneously knocking Terezi to the ground.

Just like that Terezi was back in that rundown apartment; with that sadistic clown, alone and friendless. He’d break furniture in his rage, smash plates and kick her about when he was bored. She began to shake and curled up defensively; he was there right in front of her, she could feel hands on her and she lashed out trying to get away from them but they held firm . Then through the flashback she could hear something or someone; the owner of the hands around her. They were whispering something, over and over again.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, please come back to me I’m sorry I won’t hurt you.”

She wanted to follow that voice; she trusted it, she yearned for the voice and the arms that came with it but she couldn’t reach it. She was lost in her nightmares again and trapped in that room.

She returned to the real world two hours later; waking up in a double bed by herself.  The room was black but that wasn’t a problem what was a problem was that she couldn’t smell Feferi and that made her uncomfortable; her scent lingered in this room but out in the apartment she couldn’t sense a thing. No movement or sound or smell, nothing. It was like Feferi had managed to vanish into thin air.

She got up slowly; leaving the room to explore the apartment. It was just like the first day she’d come here; hollow, as though no one lived there. It smelled of bleach and other cleaning chemicals which made her nose sting and overpowered any other smells that might’ve allowed her to see. She groaned as the apartment devolved into a dizzying fuzz of smells, forcing her to reach out for the wall. Her hand struck a piece of paper tacked to the wall; she grabbed it so quickly she slipped and hit the ground painfully. A growl left her lips as she brought the note up to her face to make out what the pink ink said

“You’ve made a lot of progress, I’m proud of you but I think you will do better without me. I’m sorry for triggering you, I’m sorry for pushing you so much, don’t worry about the apartment it’s covered just let me know when you move out. I’ll be staying with a friend until then. Best wishes; Feferi.”

She sighed and pulled the note close to her chest and curled up. There were too many things to deal with today and she’d ran out of tears a long time ago; she pulled herself up, pulled herself as together as she could and grabbed her keys. Karkat was awake and Feferi would almost definitely be at the hospital; this seemed like a good chance to patch things up with Feferi and a good excuse to see Karkat again.


	7. Forgiveness 101

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Terezi and Nepeta talk about Karkat and their friendship, Kanaya judges people, Karkat is okay and Feferi gets a nice surprise.

“So let me get this straight; I was in a coma for two months and in that time Nepeta had a bit of a breakdown because no one was looking after her whilst her matesprit was in a fucking coma, Terezi moved in with Feferi because simply being around other people terrifies her and the moment I wake up I accidentally kiss my ex in front of my present matesprit and as a result make everyone miserable by the mere act of breathing.”

“That is a rather unfair synopsis of the past two months; I can assure you that everyone is rather excited that you are able to breath. On a more positive note; you are awake and me and Rose would like to throw a party in honour of your return. We will cover all the expenses naturally.”

Karkat shifted uncomfortably in the bed sheets; his entire body ached and felt itchy, exhausted despite his recent lapse in consciousness. His hospital gown rubbed at his skin like paper and did little to keep him warm whilst the fabric of the beds scratched his skin whenever he moved and left him irritated and ready to tear it to shreds.

Waking up was a mistake he decided; drama, stress not to mention all the worries that come with being a functional fully conscious being like money (he had none), bills (particularly hospital ones), romantic and platonic relationships (he assumed that Nepeta had effectively dumped him) and the general unpleasantness that came with not dreaming twenty four seven. He sighed and scratched his right arm anxiously.

“Sounds just fucking great, now I can listen to everyone make sly comments about how determined I am to die or how I can’t go more than a few months without almost dying or something equally stupid.”

“I think you do not know our friends as well as you think you do Karkat.”

Kanaya reached out and took his hand gently, rubbing her thumb across his knuckles in an attempt at being reassuring. If she was being honest with herself she wanted to jump for joy, to personally thank whatever or whoever was responsible for her moirails recovery, to drink a liquor store dry in celebration. Having her moirail returned to her was possibly one of the most relieving experiences she’d ever had and now she had experienced it twice. She’d spent the last week planning her platonic partner’s funeral in a little black book, a morbid little thing that she’d had for a few years now. It was filled with past plans, expenses, plots, everything a funeral needed. She hated it with a passion but the practicality of having such a thing on her person could not be denied.

This time around she promised to herself that she was going to burn it.

“Miss Maryam visiting hours are over.”

She turned toward the entrance where a nurse was stood shyly. She was no fool she knew that she made the hospital staff, humans in general actually, nervous. It was something to do with her pale skin, sharp vampire like fangs and stilted formality. Rose had tried to explain it to her but she hadn’t fully understood. There was no way that anyone but their group of friends knew of her rainbowdrinker status so why would they fear her for that reason?

She nodded to the nurse with a small smile before her gaze returned to her bedridden friend.

“I will be going then it seems; keep safe and stop being rude to your physiotherapist. Feferi assures me that the man is the best in the business and you berating him is not aiding your recovery.”

Karkat snorted at that but gave his moirail a small smile; he was grateful to be awake and back with his friends and he couldn’t wait to see Nepeta again even if she was most likely going to slap him.

Outside of the hospital two trolls stood staring at each other, one had their arms crossed and a spine made of steel with a glare colder than death whilst the other seemed timid, scared like they were trying to cave in on themselves.

It dawned on Terezi that Nepeta had changed a lot since they were grubs and she that she was completely unprepared for this sort of confrontation. She didn’t know whether to run, to apologise, to crawl somewhere and hide until the tremors stopped or she died, probably the latter and the look Nepeta gave her was one that filled her with dread; she’d lost a friend. They stared at each other for a moment, the people around them carrying on and pretending not to notice the awkwardly tense atmosphere that was forming between the two.

Finally Nepeta strode purposefull over to Terezi who didn’t budge, determined to face the consequences of her actions.

“I am going to hug you.”

Nepeta practically shouted at Terezi as she closed the distance and quickly built up speed. Did she just say she was going to…?

Nepeta ran straight into Terezi and wrapped her arms tightly around her friend, spinning the two of them three times before coming to a stop and burying her head in her friends shoulder. Terezi stared down at her friend as mixtures of relief and anxiety meddled together in a cocktail that made her stomach just a little queasy.

“I’m so happy that you’re safe now and… I’m sorry I stormed out the other day. I was just shocked is all but if you’re the one that Karkat wants to be with then that’s fine! We’re still friends and to be honest… I miss you.”

Nepeta looked up at her friend with sincere and happy eyes and Terezi’s response was a rather sceptical stare.

“You’re not mad at me? For kissing your matesprit?”

“We were friends before he was my matesprit and we will continue to be friends. I’ve missed you and I don’t want to lose you because of jealousy. You’re more important to me than my relationship with Karkat.”

 Terezi looked down at her friend unsure of how to respond; she wanted to cry, she wanted to laugh, she wanted to somehow show just how grateful she was that Nepeta had forgiven her. Silently she pulled Nepeta closer and enveloped her in a tight hug, making Nepeta giggle and gently pat her on the back.

“Are you okay?”

Terezi nodded, burying her head in Nepetas shoulder. The olive blood held her friend until she pulled away and wiped the tears from her face.

“Kanaya should be out any minute, I was going to meet with her to talk about the plans for Karkat’s welcome back party! Would you like to come with us? We were going to get some lunch together.”

She stared up at her teal blooded friend with eager eyes but her excitement died a little when she saw a look of terror and anxiety cross her friends face. She gently pulled away from the hug and gave Terezi’s hand a quick squeeze.

“It’s fine if you’re not ready. Maybe another time?”

Terezi gave a weak grin and nodded.

“That would be nice. “

The sound of Kanaya clearing her throat caught both their attention as she approached them.

“I’m glad to see your recovery is coming along well; will you be joining us?”

Kanaya’s watched Terezi cautiously, her eyes betraying nothing of how she really felt save indifference. The cold emotionless gaze unsettled the teal blood and she suddenly felt unwelcome.

“No, I was about to go visit Feferi but have fun planning the party.”

Kanaya nodded before walking off without another word, leaving Nepeta to run to catch up and Terezi to wrestle with her anxiety that had only calmed down a few moments ago. She took a deep breath to try and ease herself before entering the hospital. No one stopped her as she moved through the hospital towards the break room.

She found Feferi in the break room making coffee. She walked up behind her and stumbled in her mind for words to say; her hesitation was long enough for Feferi to turn around and nearly spill scalding coffee on herself.

“Are you flushed for me?”

Feferi stared at her in confusion and shock at the sudden question, failing to articulate anything meaningful for a few embarrassing moments.

“I think so.”

Terezi took a deep breath and nodded.

“Okay. What time are you coming home tonight?”

“Terezi-“

She cut in before Feferi could finish.

“What time?”

Feferi sighed and then gave her friend a small smile.

“I don’t get out of this place until midnight and even then I’m on call.”

Terezi nodded thoughtfully and then made to leave, pausing in the doorway.

“Pizza or Chinese?”

“Pizza; the seafood one.”

Terezi grinned and left.


	8. Life goes on

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Terezi, Feferi, Karkat and Nepeta learn that life goes on and things get better given half a chance.

Terezi was learning that life moved on eventually, sure your insane now fortunately deceased matesprit could kidnap you and traumatise you but there were ways to cope. Not get better; she’d been told early on in her group therapy that she would never completely recover but now she could get on a bus without having flashbacks and once you’d made those initial steps to recovery and surrounded yourself with people to help you then you went from surviving to living. For the first time in a long time she felt like she could breath again.

Feferi helped and as the days gave way to weeks she found herself becoming increasingly attached to the heiress, not romantically and Terezi had begun to suspect she’d never be able to open herself up to someone that much ever again, but she treasured her time with her friend nonetheless. They talked about Feferi’s feelings and no conclusion was reached; she didn’t want to promise her friend something that she might never be able to give. She didn’t even have romantic feelings for Karkat anymore, the thought of being in such a relationship with its expectations brought panic and bile to her throat.

But she coped, above all else she coped. She worked at a local book store now, nothing important but it paid fairly and the quiet of the book store calmed her nerves and the boss had taken a liking to her. She had her life back now, or a life, the damage to her psyche made the mere thought of standing in a court room as anything other than a spectator bring her to tears and some nights she would lay awake wondering what if. Those nights were the worst but Feferi was always next to her and even asleep she acted as an anchor for Terezi’s mind.

She and Nepeta met at least once every two weeks now; their friendship gradually being rekindled after the confusion over Karkat was explained. They talked, sometimes about roleplaying and how they used to be as kids, sometimes about their relationships and sometimes Nepeta would ask a hard question without intending to and she’d have to make her excuses to leave. She wasn’t ready to talk to her about it, to open up about her treatment.

Kanaya regarded her with suspicion and apprehension and that left a bitter taste in her mouth; she knew the jade blood blamed her for everything that had happened to her moirail. His suicide attempt, his coma, his depression. She felt it was a little unfair but a part of her blamed herself for everything that had happened to him too and that made arguing with the rainbowdrinker very difficult.

The rest of her friends were happy to welcome her back however and it made her feel a little bit better about everything. She only saw Karkat at events now though and always with Nepeta, she’d wanted to talk things with him and clear the air between them but the opportunity never presented itself and as time went on it seemed to be less and less necessary. It was clear to her that he had no romantic feelings for her left or at least not for who she was now, she wondered if she should be upset by this but she wasn’t.

She spent her days working at a quiet bookstore, her evenings peacefully alone or with Feferi and her nights cuddling up to her friend in bed. Overall Terezi considered that things were getting better; they would probably never be perfect but she was more than happy to settle for better.

Karkat had essentially moved in with Nepeta now; Feferi had explained that whilst Karkat was in fact considerably healthier than when he was in the coma he still needed a lot of attention to make sure that the head injury was only superficial and hadn’t destroyed his ability to function day to day. Which it hadn’t, it was just Feferi’s crafty way of pushing her friends closer together (as well as eliminate a potential rival for Terezi’s affection but that’d just be splitting hairs.)

At first he’d just been crashing on the couch, then he moved into her bed and soon his place was up for sale and what little he owned was being moved into what was now his and Nepeta’s joint apartment. He was happy to be honest; nights alone always got to him and even when he was going through a particularly rough spot, where life didn’t seem like it was worth living, Nepeta was there to make sure he took his medication and didn’t do anything stupid.

Nepeta, as everyone expected, was absolutely delighted and was soon convincing Karkat to model nude for her painting. He considered it an abuse of their relationship status but he had to admit when he saw the paintings all his scars no longer seemed so ugly. They ate together, slept together and eventually after a bottle of wine and a few interesting articles of clothing they played together as well.

Kurloz arranged the funeral service for Gamzee and him and Meulin were the only ones to attend. He’d made no friends even in the more run down parts of the city, everyone he knew feared or hated him. He knew he should have felt sympathy or pity for his descendant but all he could feel was an overwhelming relief that he was gone mixed with a rising fear that maybe he was doomed to face the same fate. Meulin did her best to assure him he was not and it helped. Gamzee was not missed, not even by Kurloz.

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah I'm going to add characters and other tags as I go along with the work, this is going to be one of the larger works that I will upload probably ever. Expected updates to be infrequent because I've been pretty much nothing but infrequent.
> 
> By the way did I mention I take writing requests for free? Yeah that's a thing now. Just send a submission on my tumblr (http://sirhate.tumblr.com/) and I'll write it and upload it here in my submit section, which I don't have, because no one has sent me any requests.


End file.
